Turn it Off
by qasoline
Summary: Ash's return. I know, this has probably been written to death, but I wanted a shot at it. Also, trigger warning for any self-harmers.
1. Chapter 1

Home is Where She Keeps My Heart

Mary-Lynette hastily grabbed her telescope and all but ran out the door, not bothering to let anyone know where she was going; there was no need.

She continued running until she reached _his_ hill, breathing heavily. She was, over a length of time, regretting her decision to remain human. Every night she had to force back the urge to get one of _his_ sisters to change her. Every night she stared at the stars and they seemed dull.

Her range was only that of a human, after all, and she couldn't help but think that if she _was _a vampire the stars would outshine everything else. But nothing outshined _him_ in her mind.

She keeps him there, you see. Under lock and key where he can't be hurt. From an outside perspective, he may seem just a figment of a dream -or a wish- but to Mary-Lynnette,he was all too real. If he's safe, she's safe.

But for now, the stars appeared just average. She found them about as interesting as anyone else would. And that's what scared her the most.

Not the fact that she was in constant danger, not the fact that darkness loomed over her every second, not even that _he_ was gone.

No, it was the fact that not even the stars could keep her happy anymore.

_This is the lowest you've sunk, Mary-Lynette._ She thought pitifully to herself.

Nowadays, she often walked about, wallowing in self pity. Some of her friends used to call, including her blood sisters, but she never picked up. Eventually they stopped calling. She hardly cared if people thought she was depressed, she knew she was fine. Or, she would be when _he_ came back.

When, not _if_.

After it came to the three year mark, she was told it was wrong the way she was functioning. But she just kept believing.

Now her heart sat broken, enclosed tightly in ice. Frostbitten, hidden away where no one would ever reach it. Unattainable.

At the moment, she took a seat on the ground, pulled her knees to her chest, and stared hard at the blackened sky. She tried so _hard. _So hard to see something, _anything _there. It still ceased to interest her.

So she cried.

They were silent tears, but they hurt. Worse than her physical pains, because she was crying for her lost love. Both of them.

_She had nothing now._

She narrowed her eyes and squeezed her fists so they stung. She screamed at the top of her lungs until her chest throbbed, her throat burned, and her lungs clenched in protest.

She lay down, defeated. Life would go on, she supposed. It may not feel like it, but life would go on.

She heaved a heavy sigh and sat up again, uncomfortable. She wasn't successful, though, because she collided heads with something.

"Ow." A shy, familiar voice rang in her ears.

She sprung to her feet, in shock.

He smiled meekly at her and stood up also.

"Hello there, chatterbox." He said, too sarcastic for her liking. She took a step in his direction, barely. As he reached for her, her breath hitched.

She slapped him, _hard._ Then she scoffed, as he looked taken aback and a bit hurt.

She was _far_ too angry to care. She pounded his chest, screaming.

"Monster! You monster! Three fucking years! You left me! How could you?"

When she ran out of steam eventually, she collapsed onto his chest and he held her tightly as she cried.

"Ash." She breathed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Oh, hey guys. I'm going to write a story now. It seems I have just about dropped off the face of fanfiction. There's just been so much fucked up stuff going on in my life right now and it's been hard to do the things I used to love. But the other night I got his urge to write and you don't even know how happy I was and so I just wrote this. I changed the title, because it was dumb and exchanged it for some Paramore lyrics, yay. So, I'm really just venting through this story and I hope you like it and I promise I'm updating more often now. :)**

Turn It Off

When Ash had finally gotten Mary-Lynnette to calm down some, he tried to explain why he was gone so long without upsetting her more. Truthfully, he just hadn't found the time. She was, of course, on the top of the list when it came to priorities, but Thierry Descoudres just had him running around like a lunatic, day after day. No doubt, it had given him some of that responsibility and discipline that Mary-Lynnette was all too good at, but three years was a long time and he needed a break. So he had come home, where he belonged, with his soulmate.

She was not so complacent when he told her this. She was still majorly pissed that she hadn't received so much as a phone call, and didn't hesitate to tell him all the pain she had to deal with and all the shit she went through. He hadn't been surprised when she hit him again and he figured he deserved as much. He only wondered what she thought of him after such a long time of being away.

Mary-Lynnette wanted to die. She honestly did. She wasn't at all prepared for this, even with three years to think about what she might say or do. She was mortified that the first time he saw her in three years she was crying on the ground, with puffy eyes, her hair up in a messy bun, wearing old jeans and a hoodie. Granted, the outfit was her usual attire, but she could look better if she wanted to.

And she had so many secrets.

Being around vampires all the time, you learn how to shield your thoughts. Mary-Lynnette deluded herself for a few minutes by saying that maybe she could just lie, and he would never know, if she kept her walls up. But a couple of hours into their reunion, she knew she had been horribly mistaken. She was falling apart. Her heart had melted already and she wanted to tell him everything: How sad she felt all the time, how she couldn't even look at the stars the same, and the things she was doing to herself. It was torment. Ash sensed something was wrong, she could tell. But she wouldn't let on if she could help it.

"Mary-Lynnette what's wrong?" He turned to look her in the face. He had been holding her, sort of. She was on his lap with his arms encircling her small frame.

She looked at him, too.

"Nothing. I'm just tired and it's like one in the morning. I should go home." The actual thought of leaving hurt, but he was too close to her and it felt wrong somehow.

"I'll walk you." He flashed a brilliant smile and she faltered. Maybe she could stay a bit… but no. The risk of him unlocking her was far too great.

As they walked to her house, she had stepped a few feet away from him and instantly missed the warmth. She could only hurt him, though, she knew. So, she kept her distance.

They said their goodbyes and Ash said he would see her later, as he was staying with his sisters for the time being. He went in for a sort of kiss-hug thing but Mary-Lynnette flinched away and hurried inside, which pretty much sucked for Ash. Again, he didn't blame her for being so cold; in fact, he was pretty much an all-around douchebag. She would just take some time. Maybe he'd give her a day or two.

Mary-Lynnette paced in her bedroom, wanting to cry and scream and rip her hair out. Was this really what she had wanted, had been longing for? Absurd. There was far too much anxiousness and pain involved for this to be her long awaited reunion with her soulmate. She remembered three years earlier, when she was so glad to have him that just a single year apart seemed unbearably horrible.

Of course, she was no stranger to pain. It clouded everything she did. It would smother her dreams at night, until she woke up screaming. Happiness seemed barely able to even cross her mind, whereas the pain just never left. It was all kind of dull to her now. You never really get used to a broken heart; you just learn to work around it.

So she got to work. She had just bought a new sharpener so she was excited to use a fresh blade. She used one of her old screwdrivers and tore it apart until she was left with one that was silver and beautifully angled. As she rolled up her sleeve she thought of Ash, and how he must never find out any more about her then she has already let on.

When the blade met her skin and sliced across, she felt a release, and suddenly lying to Ash didn't seem to be much of a concern. Red started to bead out of the cut, and she drew another and another all along her wrist and forearm until she was drowning in crimson. She knew it was ridiculous, but she felt beautiful when she did this sometimes. Like an artist, just making a gorgeous, dark, one-color masterpiece all across her flesh.

The shame she felt afterwards wasn't so lovely. She felt disgusting sometimes, because she was just so fucked up. Then again, the natural high she felt after cutting was worth the guilt.

She never wanted to inflict that guilt on anyone else, especially Ash, because she was just so putrid and _sick. _Why should anyone else have to deal with that? So she wore hoodies every god damn day to hide her scars, to protect the ones she loved. It was screwed up, she knew, but she wasn't about to stop. She might want to, if someone found out, but this…. _addiction_ she had, it was the only thing that kept her remotely sane. She wasn't about to give up the one thing she had control over. So what could she do?

She was in love with her sadness.


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm pretty sure it's been something like a year since I last updated any of my stories, and I'm sorry about that. Life's tough. I don't know if any of you are even still reading this stuff, but I got the urge to write today so here goes. Reviews are always appreciated. x**

The next day May-Lynnette stayed in bed until noon, unlike her, until Mark finally decided to wake her up. She grumbled about it for a few minutes until she reluctantly agreed to face the day. She would have to face Ash again sometime. It wasn't that she didn't want to, it was the thought of facing up to the fact that he was here. After being gone for years, what was she supposed to expect from him? Reliability? Certainly not.

Nevertheless, the forced herself to get up and be a person, albeit reluctantly. After getting dressed in what might as well have been sleepwear, she let her brother drag her to the Redfern's, where he spent most of his days anyway. Mary-Lynnette felt embarrassed that she had stopped visiting, but it was just easier to be alone at this point in her life. No one understood, or even tried to, really, so why should she have to explain?

Ash opened the door when they arrived, crushing his soulmate to his chest as soon as they made eye contact. She didn't hug back, much to his dismay, but he held on tight anyway, breathing in her scent, memorizing her.

As Mark made his way inside, Ash pulled her onto the porch, where they sat on the swing together. Mary-Lynnette felt more than uncomfortable when he put his arm around her, and while she knew she should show some sort of feeling towards him, she didn't know what to do, didn't feel anything but confused. How did he feel? Did he want to rekindle their relationship, or did he come because he felt he had to, to get some sort of closure?

He pushed her dark hair behind her ear with a solid stroke, and his fingers danced across her cheeks, light, as if she might break so easily. It was then that she decided to look at him, to really _look_. She had spent so much time sitting quietly as a wallflower, observing and she was very good at reading people. She could see longing in his eyes that hadn't changed from a soft blue since she saw him the previous night, as well as desperation. She could tell he was eager for her to respond to his touch in some way, but, again, she felt awkward and wasn't sure how to go about it.

Ash sighed, disheartened. She was clearly mad. He didn't blame her in the slightest of course, but did she not feel anything but resentment towards him? Had he not left even a trace of happiness in her when he left? He didn't mean to make her sad, not ever. He pulled away to look at the brilliantly unresponsive girl beside him.

"I'm so sorry, Mare. You know I would have come the second it hit the one year mark if it had been up to me." His eyes begged for a conflict of any sort.

Mary-Lynnette wrung her hands together, carefully pulling down her shirt sleeve that had risen, exposing her marred wrist. Thankfully, Ash was looking at her eyes, not her arms.

"You don't have to be sorry, I understand it wasn't your fault. I'm just confused as to why you didn't even try to contact me. I mean, I know that works both ways and all but I had no idea where you were or how to reach you! It's just been so long, and I don't know how to feel or what to think, and so much has changed in the last few years. I just... you can't expect me to feel the same, you know. At least not now." _Lies, lies, lies. _"What was I supposed to think, honestly? I had hope that you were coming back, but with everyone telling me I was wrong and without any tangible knowledge of you or anything related, what was I supposed to do, Ash? Things aren't the same." She wasn't aware when her voice dissipated to a whisper, but she felt the pain crack through her lungs as she spoke, and her throat burned. She didn't cry, though. It was a rarity that she shed tears the evening before, even. Breaking down wasn't something she did, especially in front of people; Usually the blade was her only consolation.

Ash stared at her painfully, gripping her face between his two hands.

"I know it's not the same, I don't expect it to be, and I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have listened, I should have come sooner. I need you to understand that you are my first priority, and even if you don't feel the same right now, I love you, and I'm going to do what ever it takes to get you to believe it."

_Right. Because he cares so much about me._ She wanted to scoff, but that would require amusement, and she had none.

"I do believe you." She was fiercely skeptical, but lied anyway. She just wanted him to stop.

"No, you don't," He smiled ruefully. "But that's okay, because soon enough you will. I'm sorry I made you feel the way you do."

He hugged her desperately again, kissing the nape of her neck again and again, just as he had the night he left.

_You don't know anything about how I feel. _

As he took shallow breaths against her neck, her eyes fluttered shut and she allowed herself to hug back. She owed herself that much. She loved him, and no amount of time had changed that, hard as she tried to forget, he had ruined her life in every way a person could. Her heartstrings had been cut and rearranged enough times, already, she didn't dare allow herself to rip them any further.


End file.
